[一]蛇与乌龟的故事

一条大蟒蛇和一条小毒蛇是朋友。

这天他们在路边发现了一只巨大的乌龟。

蛇兄弟想，这么大的个儿，可是一顿美餐啊。

蟒蛇说：我来对付他。

于是蟒蛇施展自己的绝技，用身体将大乌龟牢牢地缠住。而大乌龟早已将身体缩进了壳里，任凭蟒蛇怎么缠绕，也无法伤害到大乌龟。

泄气的蟒蛇，气喘吁吁地爬到了一边。

大乌龟谨慎地露出脑袋，在他露出脑袋的那一瞬间，小毒蛇闪电般地在乌龟脑袋上咬了一口，大乌龟又急忙缩回壳中。但是几分钟后，大乌龟因为中毒而死了。

蟒蛇说：哇！我花了那么大力气也没能伤害乌龟，你却轻而易举地办到了啊。

小毒蛇说：因为我了解他的要害。

可是接下来的还是有一个问题，大乌龟死后依然缩在壳里，两条蛇都是吞食性的动物，而他们又无法脱下乌龟的外壳，只好怏怏地离开了……

这个故事告诉我们：即使你擅长死缠烂打，也未必能泡到那个妞，要了解那个妞才可以。

这个故事还告诉我们：如果你无法脱下那个妞的衣服，就不要再花力气去泡她了。

There is one person alone adventure discovering oneself being surrounded by the anthropophagi clan suddenly in the forest.Hence yell to the sky:"I died to settle, God saved me!"Sees the sky appear a to spread a voice only:"Return not necessarily, you pick up again a ground of last that big rock, battering to death the Tribal chief for taking the lead."Hence he picks up a ground of a biggest of top rock, hitting toward Tribal chief ruthlessly, battering to death Tribal chief at the right moment.The clansmen was all foolish a foolish, immediately after and angrily and mutually to.The sky spreads a burst of voice again at this time:"Now you just the true dead settled!"

Stenographer:Your little girl wants to kiss you over the phone.
Busy Manager:Take the message.I'll get it from you later.
速记员:你的小女儿想要通过电话吻你.
繁忙的经理:先记下来,我以后从你那得到它.

老妈叫我翻译!!!(超强爆笑)
今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思

　　老妈：这个“i don’t know.“是什么意思？

　　我说：“我不知道”

　　老妈：送你上大学上了几年，你怎么什么都不知道！！

　　我说：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！！

　　老妈：还嘴硬！！！！$@％!#$^&％#$％@$％@#$％!^％^!^％$^#&..(一顿爆揍)

　　老妈：你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意思你该知道吧，给我说说。

　　我说：是“我知道“

　　老妈：知道就快说。

　　我说：就是“我知道“

　　老妈：找茬呀你？刚才收拾你收拾的轻了是不？

　　我说：就是我知道呀！

　　老妈：知道你还不说！！不懂不要装懂！&*$％^@$#!％$@^％#*$^^^##$％(又一顿爆揍)

　　老妈：你给我小心点，花那么多钱送你上大学，搞的现在什么都不会，会那么一丁点东西还跟老娘摆谱，再问你最后一个，你给我好好解释一下，说不出来我在收拾你，你给我翻译一下“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思？

　　我晕倒，拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下，用头撞墙四十多下，双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下，用腿踢桌子角六十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意吧

　　　这不她老人家又来问我了:“儿啊,i`m very annoyance,don`t tuouble me .是什么意思啊~?“

　　我:“我很烦,别烦我“

　　老妈:“找打,跟你妈这么说话“(于是被扁)

　　老妈又问;“i hear nothing,repeat. 是what意思啊“

　　我说:“我没听清,再说一次“

　　老妈又说了一遍:i hear nothing,repeat“

　　“我没听清,再说一次“

　　结果被扁

　　老妈再问:“what do you say “又怎么解释呢“

　　我说:“你说什么“(再次被扁)

　　老妈再问:“look up in the dictionary“是何意啊’

　　我说:“查字典“

　　“查字典我还问你做甚“(被扁)

　　老妈又问:you had better ask some body.怎么翻呢“

　　我说:“你最好问别人“

　　“你是我儿子,我问别人干吗,又找打.“

　　“啊!god save me !“

“上帝救救我吧!”

　　“耍你老妈玩,上帝也救不了你!(被扁)

　　我再问你:“use you head,then think it over,又是什么意思啊!“

　　我说:“动动脑子,再仔细想想.“

　　“臭小子,还敢耍我“接着又要动手

　　我连忙说:“是世上只有妈妈好的意思”

　　“嗯,这还差不多,一会我给你做好吃的,明天再问你”【好笑不？

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.